Lactose Intolerance Reaches New Levels

After more than a year of secret exchanges and clandestine dates, the Coburg Cow has announced that she’s not only coming out of the closet, she’s also getting married … to Elsie, the Borden Cow.
“We’ve suspected that she’s been seeing someone for some time, but we were all surprised to find out that it was Elsie,” said Rick Ricotta, a former milk carton fabricator for Coburg Dairy, which was bought out by Borden in 2011.
For Elsie, this will be her second marriage following a rocky union with Elmer, the iconic bull representative for the Elmer’s Glue Company. Together they had four children, both sets of twins: Beulah and Beauregard in 1948 and Larabee and Lobelia in 1957. The pair divorced in 1977 and Elsie has remained single since, though she has been spotted on several outings with other well-known bulls including Toro, Ferdinand, the Schlitz malt liquor bull, and most recently the hyperactive bull from Red Bull.
In fact, it was this last tryst that many in the dairy industry attribute to Elsie’s “change in spots.”
“Elsie’s relationship with the Red Bull wasn’t much of a secret, especially when she started showing up for photo shoots with black eyes and wired on energy drink,” said Brendan Whey, head of Borden Dairy’s marketing team.
While both cows seem to be quite happy with the upcoming union, some religious sects have chosen to boycott the ceremony, posting signs around the Coburg Cow’s Savannah Highway platform that read “No Bull IS Bull,” “Utterly Un-Holy, Cow,” “No Ho-Moos,”and “I Like My Milk Straight.”
Neither cow seems fazed by the protests, however, and both are happily planning the details of their moo-y matrimony, which is expected to take place in late May. Both heifers plan to wear white.