South Windermere Cell Phone Blackout Mystery Solved

Following a rash of frustrated shoppers, unable to access their Tomato Bank discount emails, the the United States Department of Defense (DOD) verified last week that the reason cellular service is spotty at best in the South Windermere Shopping Center is a result of an “jamming device” in place to avoid any electronic interference with a  “highly strategic defense installation” in the area.
Upon further questioning, DOD spokesperson Christopher Sabien, confirmed that Earth Fare’s iconic “tomato tower” has been a nuclear missile silo since the early days of the Cold War and still remains an important installation in the security of our nation.
For some, the DOD announcement has answered a lot of questions about why they can’t call home and ask if there is anything they need to pick up at the grocery store. But while the cell phone blackout at Earth Fare and surrounding businesses is a nuisance, it’s the presence of a live nuclear device that has some on edge at the “Healthy Grocery Store.”
“I shop here for the fresh, local produce,” says West Ashley resident Mary Green. “But having a nuclear missile so close to my organic okra and tomatoes is a little troubling, to say the least.”
But Sabien ensured concerned shoppers that the silo is fully secured and that a Three-mile Island or Chernobyl-like disaster is not likely. “Think of it more as a protector of your produce, rather than a threat.”
Happy April Fools!