West Ashley will be getting it’s own nationally-broadcast reality television show, thanks in part to the outrageous success the Bravo TV cable channel has enjoyed with “Southern Charm.”
Entitled “Worst Ashley Charm,” the show will follow six West Ashlians … Ashleyites … Ashepoo … residents of West Ashley as they go through their daily lives talking about what a train-wreck “Southern Charm” is.
For those of you living under a rock, “Southern Charm” follows six despicable, overly indulgent, too-coiffed, spoiled morons from downtown Charleston as they try to find friendship, love, and a spin-off.
These lovable scamps show the world what South of Broad is made of.
And now, West Ashley is getting its slice of the proverbial pie. In the first “Worst” episode, local private school Latin instructor Teddy Buffett leads his class in a lecture entitled, “Fallax gratia meridiana extremum quisquam positus in oculis.”
Or loosely translated into English, “Southern Charm is the worst thing anyone has ever laid eyes on.”
In that same episode, Timmy Boots, taking a break from overhauling a car’s engine at his job on the motor mile, shows where he wants the producers of “Southern Charm” to “put” his slightly-used set of Snap-on brand OXI small size 6-point combination wrenches.
“What if America gets the idea that this show represents me in anyway?” asks Boots, a committed family man and churchgoer who volunteers locally.
But in the world of “reality,” senseless drama is always right around the corner, and in episode two of “Worst,” housewife Charm McSnoogle and local team sports coach Rusty Hollis clash over whether the other really hates “Southern Charm” enough.
“I told him I would sacrifice one of my living children if that crap-fest gets a second season,” said McSnoogle. “And he looked at me like I was crazy!”
Hollis: “I stared at her like that because I didn’t think she went far enough with her promise. To my way of seeing things, ‘Southern Charm’ is such an affront to all of humanity, that anyone caught watching it a second time should have lye rubbed in their eyes.”
“You know, like Hazel Motes did in Flannery O’Connor’s classic 1952 novel, her first, ‘Wise Blood.’ You never heard of it? ‘Cause you’re giving me the same quizzical looks my players give me whenever I make an obscure literary reference in one of my famous halftime speeches.”
“See, this is what I’m talkin’ about – everyone is too busy watching dreck like ‘Southern Charm’ on the tee-vee they don’t read the classics no more,” said Hollis.
Sponsored by several reality-inducing medications, “Worst Ashley Charm” will debut April 31 at 4 a.m. right between infomercials selling catheters and Klingon-themed knife sets.

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