Police responded to a Byrnes Down residence in reference to a wild animal attack this past Wednesday, only to find that the “wild animals” were in fact mutant humanoids living beneath the quiet suburban neighborhood.
“It’s not the first time this has happened, and it probably won’t be the last,” says Charleston County police officer Miles O’Sullivan.
O’Sullivan, a veteran officer of 40 years, has seen several of these attacks over the years and reassured the besotted housewife that her shi tzu hadn’t died in vain.
“We’ve found that methane seems to work best in these situations. Basically we release a lethal amount in the sewers and just sit back and wait for them to die,” says O’Sullivan.
Even though the methane flush has proven to be somewhat counterproductive in the past, flushing several of the mutant creatures into the open where they’ve attacked humans in broad daylight, O’Sullivan stated that it was the fastest and cheapest solution to a reoccurring problem.
Others, however, have a different solution; one that would solve the problem long term.
“What really needs to happen is the City needs to stop dumping all that ‘recycling’ into old underground cisterns. It’s mutating the homeless into horrible, man-eating creatures!” says known area activist David Faladay.
When asked about the alleged scandal, O’Sullivan simply shook his head.
“Unless someone can take me to the actual dump site without being eaten on the way, I’m going to continue doing what works; giving them the gas,” says O’Sullivan.
Gas flushes are scheduled to take place on Mondays from 2 a.m. – 5 a.m. during the month of April.
Happy April Fools!

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